When I was little, I mean really little, I didn’t know from sex.
I believed everyone who wanted to procreate went to a fertility clinic, which I didn’t know from either, But say a doctor’s office to get the services of a medical turkey baster. I didn’t know from turkey basters either though I had seen them squirting juices on the turkey. I didn’t know from them as conception aides.
What I did know from was my dolly tea set. In my mind’s eye, I saw the spermatic — I knew from sperm. Don’t ask me how — transfer conveyed via a tiny blue plastic tea cup. That’s how I believed we made babies. Baby boys, anyway.
Are you laughing with me?
Or at me as my maiden aunties did? They didn’t have kids, but they knew a bit more than me about how it’s done.
Which brings me to why people laugh at your beliefs.
Reason #1: Your beliefs are unintentionally funny.
You didn’t start out trying to be funny. In fact, you might end up being pathetic, which could spark laughs.
Trying to be funny can backfire, so be careful. Maybe try out your beliefs on a friend or two first before taking them out in public where you could get stoned.
Let’s say you believe in fairies.
Depending on what kind of fairies we’re talking about and who you’re talking about this with, it could get very dicey. So let’s not go there.
Instead, let’s say you believe in ghosts. But what show’s up are not just any ghosts. They happen to be well-endowed, buxom, naked, sexy, copulating ghosts.
Intentional or not, that’s funny.
Let’s say you’re a little kid who believes in ghosts, but’s clueless about sex. You’re spooked in a delicious hollow weenie way but confused about anything beyond innocent smooching.
Hey, play with me here!
If you could take your hands off of your eyes and ears, you’d want to scream. Not because they’re ghosts per se. But because they’re fucking ghosts, meaning the ghosts are fucking!
Now if you manage to grow up and still believe in ghosts, while remaining sexually clueless, besides competing for the Guinness Book of World Records, this brings us
to —
Reason #2: Your beliefs are intentionally funny.
Maybe you believe that giant three-headed ghostlike alien beings from Planet 69 have landed in your backyard, making quite a racket. You go outside to investigate and find an orgy going on.
At first, you throw up.
Because you’re still clueless and a bit unsure about human sex, let alone the exchange of bodily fluids between ectoplasmic giants with three heads — four if you count — never mind.
You scream and run back inside and hide under your bed until they finish, get back in their ship, and blast off. Which could take years. This may be an example of —
Reason #3: Your beliefs are unintentionally deranged.
Strange as they are, seeing is believing. You saw what you saw. You didn’t particularly like or understand it, but you saw what you saw. The eyes have it. You believe. Not happily. But there it is.
Now let’s say you heard the same rocket racket.
You crept downstairs in the middle of the night to investigate. And sure enough, there were the same giant three-headed alien ghosts, the well-endowed, buxom, horny, fornicating ghosts from planet 69.
Not just copulating now, but giving ghostly head, enjoying phantom fellatio, and cunning cunnilingus. Apparitional tongues licking and lapping, loud sounds of sucking filling the nighttime sky.
You sigh. What a turn-on!
Here’s the chance you’ve been waiting for. To pop your cherry without being the laughingstock of all your friends. You throw caution to the winds, as well as your clothes, get stoned from your secret stash, and dive right in. Or under. Or whatever the most advantageous position turns out to be. Please use your imagination here for this example of–
Reason #4: Your beliefs are intentionally deranged.
While it has a nice alliteration to it, what happens if you get hooked on extraterrestrial sex? Let’s say you can only get off with giant three-headed alien partners.
Or worse. You fall in love with one.
And we know when it comes to sex, three heads are better than one. Especially when you’re on the receiving end.
But now you’re in love. You want to have his or their baby.
How did that happen?
Remember my little blue plastic dolly tea cup? It’ll do for starters. Assuming you want to have a boy. Let’s say you capture some giant alien sperm and somehow inseminate yourself. And hopefully, have fun so doing. What now?
Now, you believe you’re pregnant.
You’re so excited you tell everyone you know and start buying layettes. You gain weight in all the right places, your boobs swell, and you feel hormonal. This goes on for months.
And people laugh. At you. Why is that?
Reason #5: Because people are just downright mean.
They’ll laugh at anything. Slip on a banana they’ll laugh whether you believe that’s funny or not. Whether you had on a clown costume or not. Trip over a roller skate left in the driveway and bust your hip. They’ll laugh.
Tell people you believe the earth is flat. They’ll laugh.
Tell them you believe that Putin’s going to drop the bomb on Planet 69 and you need their help to save your new friends, and they’ll laugh. And not at Putin.
Tell them that you believe your new ghost friends from Planet 69 are coming to save us all from Climate Change right after your next backyard soiree, and my guess is they’ll laugh. And not at Climate Change.
Try not to stress about their ignorance. Hell, if they caught on, you’d have to get in line and wait your turn. So shut up already. Go get your licks in before you give birth to your giant three-headed infant, and, uh, you might want to schedule a C-section.