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Fourteen Celebrations in Ten Days You Just Can’t Live Without
More august August holidays — might as well finish out the month
Ever notice how 31-day months seem to last twice as long as the others?
I thought we were almost through, but there’s another week to go with this hottie. I don’t know about you but I wilt in the heat. My ankles swell, and I get really sluggish. And I don’t mean in a baseball-playing way. I mean, I don’t feel like doing anything.
Especially paying tribute to ten more lesser-known holidays. The less known about them the better. Don’t blame me. All credit goes to T. Kent Jones. He brought the list and dubbed it a prompt.
I just played along. Put my spin on things. And now that I’m ⅔ of the way through the heat-blasted month, I intend to finish what I started.
That assures me a spot up in heaven. A cloud all my own and a harp. Or is it an accordion? The last thing I want in this life or the next is to spend eternity on a crowded cloud. Those things are small to begin with, but to have to share? Might as well be in hell.
But I digress. Let’s finish August so I don’t have to go there.
August 18 National Bad Poetry Day
This one’s a no-brainer. Literally. Bad poetry’s everywhere. Lurking under rocks with all those curled-up roly-polies. In fact, bad poetry is curled up roly-polies. It’s the cherry popsicle stick stuck to the kitchen floor with ants crawling all over it. Or the fact that the roving blackout comes to your area on the hottest day on record, and your kitchen floods when the freezer melts. At least, the water’s cold, if not clear.
So in honor of bad poetry, I offer this bad limerick.
There once was a month named August
Her heat made her hard to digust
I canceled my plans,
Turned on some fans
And gave up on being robust.
Yes, I cheated. It’s spelled digest. Folks who change words to make a poem rhyme are disgusting. Hey, that rhymes with August–almost.
August 19 International Orangutan Day, Coco Chanel Day
Who put these two on the same day?
Coco’s a very popular name for chimpanzees. Or is it Koko and gorillas? Anyway, not orangutans, who are way too smart to fall for that clap-trap. They much prefer smart names like Theodosia, Hermoine, or even Imogene.
Chanel, on the other hand, smells like a bottle of cheap perfume. Or a haute couturess sleeping with all the heirs to the throne, rubbing elbows with the likes of Churchill, only to collaborate with Nazis. Cheap, sleazy, and stupid, too. Typical uber riche.
No wonder those orangutans are scratching their heads.
August 20 National Bacon Lovers Day
A day after my own heart.
Literally. It’s coming after my heart. As good as bacon tastes, it’s loaded with salt and fat. That’s what makes it taste so good. And so bad for my heart. When I eat it, I can hear my arteries clogging shut. They make a little sucking sound as they collapse like a paper drinking straw’s want to do. Remember those?
That’s why they make them out of plastic now.
Once the environmentalists started decrying them, they went underground. Moonlighting as stents. Keeping my arteries open so I can keep eating bacon. To my heart’s content.
I heart bacon and bacon hearts me.
August 21 Brazilian Blowout Day
Question: Who in their right mind would get a hair treatment involving not one but two blow dries during the hottest month of the year?
Answer: Either stupid Americans who don’t know any better. Or Latin Americans who live in the southern hemisphere where August is the coldest month of the year and getting blown feels so good.
Or anyone who wants shiny hair and can afford the time and expense.
August 24 International Strange Music Day
This is one of those carte blanche days. Because what’s strange to me might be soothing or sexy to you. And vice versa.
A day to let our inner Phillip Glasses come out and play.
August 26 Make Your Own Luck Day, National Toilet Paper Day
Isn’t every day national toilet paper day? After all, a day without toilet paper is like a day without something to wipe your ass with. And that could be catastrophic. Definitely unlucky.
Yet here’s the 26th demanding we make our own luck.
But if there’s no TP, how can we?
Cut up Sears catalogues? Use the phone book. Yellow pages for pee and — ?
Oh, it’s not Make Your Own Toilet Paper Day. It’s Make Your Own Luck Day. Oops, Never mind.
August 27 Tarzan Day
Today you get to be the King of the Jungle.
Which means fair game for lions, tigers, and bears. But wait, bears don’t live in the jungle. They live in the woods. And some backyards.
No, if you want to be treated like royalty, you’re better off doing a Coco Channel and sleeping with Dukes and Princes.
August 28 National Thoughtful Day, Int. Read Comics in Public Day
Another juicy combination with a caveat. You can read comics in public if they’re thought-provoking. Like, you know, Pogo or Calvin and Hobbs.
But if you wanna read sleazy, trashy comics, go sequester yourself where the rest of us won’t have to be infected with your choices.
But then, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Which raises the question, what of women’s trash? Worth its weight in gold? Think on that a while. Or draw a cartoon strip about it.
Question: If a woman’s drawn in a cartoon strip, does that make her a stripper, or does she actually have to remove her clothes?
August 30 Frankenstein Day
A good day to watch Young Frankenstein with Gene Wilder and Madeline Kahn. How did Mel Brooks get all those dead people to act in that movie, anyway?
This would be a good day to practice your favorite lines from the film. And the accompanying gestures.
Lines like, Walk this way and He would Have An enormous schwanzschtücker.
August 31 We Love Memoirs Day, National Diatomaceous Earth Day
I remember diatoms! From grade school!
They’re itty-bitty fossilized phytoplankton we looked at under the microscope. I was mesmerized. They come in all shapes and patterns. But to the naked eye, it looks like a white powder. Something you would snort.
Please don’t. Just take a good look so you’ll remember it a year from now. On We Love Memoirs Day. Here’s a video to help you out: