Help! I Can’t Stop Watching and Reading Oscar Slap Coverage
Someone, PLEASE slap me so I can snap out of it
Here’s the problem:
I’m stuck on this Oscar moment. And all the myriads of stories spewing out about it. News updates, Variety Magazine reports, opinion pieces, and perspectives various.
Never has a new story had so many angles–racial, sexual, gender, fashion, health, mental health, politics, entertainment, class, moral and spiritual–just to name a few. Not to mention people speculating on what did happen, what will happen to Will, and what they think should happen according to their humble or not-so-humble opinions.
Every few minutes I check my email, Facebook, and Google to see the latest. Are there any updates? Has Mr. Smith apologized yet? Yes. Will Mr. Smith be punished? Apparently. And if so, how? Jury’s still out as of this writing, but more may be revealed before I finish.
Yikes! If I want to be timely with this story, I’m going to have to declare it done and submit it at some point. And more news will keep rolling in. By the time you read this, it could be hopelessly outdated.
Them’s the brakes. Point is, the story is trending now, which is why
came up with this fabulous OTS prompt.
Meanwhile, I’m sucked in. Stuck. Powerless over this story.
I can’t stop thinking about it and reading about it.
Dirty dishes pile up. The mail’s unopened. Bed unmade. Rent unpaid, though I still have a few days on that. But had to write it cause it rhymed with bed unmade!
I keep seeing the same images over and over. I do my best not to look, but people keep putting them on their posts and stories. There’s the Hollywood version with the audio silent, and the no-holds-barred version with the audio track included. Take your pick.
My poor brain. It’s exhausted. I wake up early in the morning obsessing about this, unable to go back to sleep.
I know what you’re thinking–get up and wash the damn dishes! I thought of that too. But couldn’t sustain that thought long enough to sit up before the next round of wondering if there are any new developments and what they might be hit. I finally did get up so I wouldn’t miss any of that.
That’s why I’m asking for someone to slap me. It doesn’t even have to be Mr. Smith. He’s way out of my league anyway.
My neck is rather weak, so it would have to be a baby slap. Just enough to snap me out of it. Hopefully a light touch and a loud sound.
Like a slapstick!
You know those are real things, right?
Hailing from the days of Commedia dell-Arte, they’re the wooden clapper thing that makes the loud slap sound when one actor mimes hitting another.
Here. Let Wikipedia explain:
The name “slapstick” originates from the Italian Batacchio or Bataccio — called the “slapstick” in English — a club-like object composed of two wooden slats used in commedia dell’arte. When struck, the Batacchio produces a loud smacking noise, though it is only a little force that is transferred from the object to the person being struck.
Actors may thus hit one another repeatedly with great audible effect while causing no damage and only very minor, if any, pain. Along with the inflatable bladder (of which the whoopee cushion is a modern variant), it was among the earliest special effects.
Will Smith could have delivered a much more dramatic blow to Chris Rock. It would have been loud enough to be heard without amplification and there need be no skin contact.
You don’t even need a slapstick. You can use your hand.
Here’s how it works. You put one hand near the person’s face and then you dramatically whack that hand as hard as you can with your other hand. It helps if the person receiving the slap is versed in improv. They’ll know exactly when to jerk their head away for verisimilitude.
It doesn’t even matter if the hand is nowhere near the person being slapped. As long as they snap their head at the exact same time the hands or the slapstick make the thwack sound. Timing is crucial here.
Will Smith knows how to do this! Here’s proof:
See! If he can teach that young man in seconds, I have no doubt Chris Rock would have caught on. And Will would have had his cake and eaten it, too.
He could have gotten relief from his anger and frustration, without the fallout that may be about to fall on him. The sound would have rocked Mr. Rock, duly registering the moment’s outrage.
Without anyone getting hurt!
The audience could laugh from relief that the slap was fake, and convincingly executed. Their focus could have returned to the evening’s purpose sooner.
I’m sure Mr. Questlove would have appreciated not being upstaged. He deserved full attention from everyone as he accepted his Best Documentary Oscar for the acclaimed debut film, Summer of Soul. Instead of everyone tweeting what just happened?
Well, there might still be people tweeting. Someone’s always tweeting.
But the energy in the room would be way different. We’d be laughing with instead of gawking at, trying to make sense of the moment. We could move on, instead of being stuck, watching instant replays on our phones.
So I plan to go an Amazon, eBay, or Best Buy and buy myself a slapstick. So I can slap myself out of this obsessive-compulsive behavior and get back to my life. Or at least my other obsessive compulsions, which are fuming at me for ignoring and neglecting them.
Like washing the dishes.
Marilyn Flower writes humor to laugh the changes she wants to see and make. She’s the author of Creative Blogging: Ninja Writers Guide to Character Development and Bucket Listers, Get Your Brave On. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times. Stay in touch!