In Defense of Kale, ‘Cause Someone Has to, Right?
Or is everyone just green with envy?
No, Her Majesty the Queen of the Kingdom of Kale did not ask me to do this. I write of my own volition.
Because someone has to come to her–meaning Kale’s — defense, so it might as well be me.
First of all, a disclaimer. I am not an attorney, a lawyer, or a barrister. Nor have I played one on TV, on film, or on stage. Okay, well maybe a few times in an improv class, but that doesn’t really count, does it?
Second of all, I’m not even sure why I’m doing this.
Except that it’s too early in the day to not. My brain’s still waking up, and when it does, maybe It’ll put a stop to this madness. But I doubt it.
Third of all, I don’t much care for the taste of kale all by itself.
Hence all those concoctions and permutations and extensive recipes that include kale, possibly as a main ingredient, but don’t taste like kale.
Fortunately, kale is easy to disguise.
Not the look of it or the green of it. They take over. But the flavor, being only slightly bitter is easy to overwhelm with sweet, savory, or spicy.
So in those green drinks that were all the rage and might still be, the green color is going to predominate unless or until you hit it with cranberry juice. Then they mix into a nondescript gray. Don’t let that discourage you. It still tastes great, if you sweeten it cause hey, unadulterated cranberry’s quite tart as well.
Adulterated (whatever that means) cranberries can be quite the tarts, too. But that’s a story for another day. Or at least, another post.
Popular or not, green drinks are really good for you. Lots and lots of phytonutrients for you and your dog, Phyto.
What? Your dog’s name is not Phyto?
Of course, it’s not. It’s Fido. Or Fifi.
Both come from the Latin Fidelis, meaning faithful. Dogs are nothing if not loyal, right? Lock your husband and your dogs in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open it up, who’s excited to see you, jumping up and down, licking your face? Fido and Fifi.
Hipsters, vegans, punsters, and fools can name their dogs Phyto. Especially if they mix kale into their Kibble Nibbles. See how I did that?
Now if you name your cat Phyto, you’re probably asking for a phight. So don’t.
Oh, but I digress!
Were you surprised? Since when don’t I digress? Par for the ADHD course, I guess.
Now, where was I?
Defending kale.
It’s uber nutritional. Let me carefully, so as not to get busted again, quote the good people at the Mayo Clinic on this:
“Kale is a nutrition superstar due to the amounts of vitamins A, K, B6, and C, calcium, potassium, copper, and manganese it contains. One cup of raw kale has just 33 calories and only 7 grams of carbohydrates. So, it’s a very diabetes-friendly/weight-friendly vegetable.” (Source: Mayo Clinic)
Grammarly made me add two commas and one pluralizing ‘s’ to this quote so it’s been adulterated. Just so you know.
Where else can you get as much nutrition with so few calories? Okay, maybe celery or iceberg lettuce. But they’re not in with the in-crowd the way kale is.
What kinds of kale are there?
This is where it gets fun. Kale comes in a variety of varieties.
There’s Dinosaur Kale.
Did you know that?
Back in the Jurrasic days, when giant lizards roamed the lands, none was so ferocious as the Kaleosaurus. The ground shook, thunder roared, and lightning split the skies when this beast appeared on the scene. Sparks flew out of their mouths, giving rise to the mythological fire-breathing dragons and future Godzilla wind-up toys.
In fact, they are the ones who named the study of dinosaurs kaleontology. Bet you didn’t know that!
Those beasts no longer roam the planet, but in their wake, they left a species of kale to remember them by. Dinosaur Kale. Be careful when you eat it, lest your skin turn scaly and sparks fly out of your mouth. Those sparks are handy for cooking something by holding it up to your face, but have an extinguisher nearby, just in case.
Then there’s Curley Kale.
Curley Kale is or was one-third of a physical comedy threesome who went by the moniker, The Three Stooges. They were all varieties of kale. But Larry Kale passed away a long time ago. Moe Kale died but his name lives on in perpetuity. Every time someone asks for another helping, his name is invoked. What a savory way to be remembered.
But Curley got the long end of the stick, being the most popular variety of the green veggie. He’s ruffly and frilly, and not at all clumsy like the character he played. You won’t find this form of kale getting hit with ladders or having buckets of paint spilled on its head.
It’s way too erudite for slapstick. Even though many of us MuddyUmers are thankfully not.
And Finally, Russian Kale
This variety is rare and out of favor right now.
For obvious political reasons, it’s being boycotted by Ukraine freedom fighters and their supporters around the world. That includes NATO, Pluto, and Phyto.
How can a planet boycott a vegetable you may be asking? A planet can do any damn thing it wants. It’s a planet for gosh sake!
Even Pluto, which has been restored to planet status after the hue and cries of outrage when demoted a while back. A planet has prestige, power, and influence. Even if totally devoid of oxygen, water, or sustainable life.
Remember this. You may need Pluto on your side someday.
So yes, you probably won’t find Russian Kale in your local grocery store or farmer’s market. Despite its reddish purplish color and sweet peppery flavor. I, for one, have never tasted it. In fact, I’d never heard of it until recently. That’s how obscure it is.
But it is a variety of kale that enjoyed immense popularity for a brief period in the mid-1960s when the movie Dr. Zhivago came out and people swooned over Julie Christie falling in love with Omar Sharif against the backdrop of the Russian Revolution or whatever the heck what was with all those horses and all that snow.
So while the band plays The Internationale, and Kale to the Chef, Garde Manger, let me bid you a kale and farty farewell. Till next time, eat your veggies, especially your kale.
Marilyn Flower writes humor to laugh the changes she wants to see and make. She’s the author of Creative Blogging: Ninja Writers Guide to Character Development and Bucket Listers, Get Your Brave On. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times. Stay in touch!
LOL