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It’s August! Do You Know When and What Your Celebration Is?
It’s August! Do You Know When and What Your Celebration Is?
Are you up on your August holidays and celebrations? Did you know there’s something to honor or celebrate every day of the month? And even weekly and monthly themes? Far more than I can cover in one post.
So here’s some to get you started. Happy Elvis Week!
August 1: Universal Birthday for Shelter Dogs
Happy Birthday, Shelter Dogs!
So sorry you’re having to live in a shelter on your birthday. At least you have a woof, I mean a roof over your head. And a day to celebrate all your own. Well not really all your own, because every dog in the whole darn place has his day — only it’s all the same day. This day!
Not only do you have a special day, you have a whole season named after you. Yes, I’m talking about the Dog Days of Summer, which are almost over. They stretch from July 3 to August 11. So enjoy them while you can.
P.S. Did you know the Dog Days were named after the constellation Sirus, which is that big dog in the sky? Not God (Dog spelled backward). So count your lucky stars.
August 2: National Coloring Book Day
Another one I missed.
To make up for that I went online for the most popular coloring books as of right now. And they are:
–Barbie and Ken Make Out at the Movies in More Ways than One
–Donald Trump’s Presidential Erection — oops Election — Countdown
–Color Me Medium — not Big, not Small, but you know, Medium
–What Color Is Your Parachute, Hot Air Balloon, and Dirigible?
–Itty Bitty, Teeny Weenie, Polka Dot Bikini’s to Color — if you can see ‘em
August 3: National Grab Some Nuts Day
This is a delicate day with a delicate mission.
The first question is who’s nuts to grab? Who’s nuts need grabbing? I’d say, Donald Trump’s. But you can fill in the blank with anyone you think deserves it.
Think about your criteria. After all, objectivity is important. We don’t want to be grabbing nuts willy-nilly. Or do we?
But when it comes down to it, there are lots of racist, sexist, chauvinist pigs who might qualify. So take your pick. And squeeze like hell.
August 4: National White Whine Day
Finally! A day carefully set aside for us white supremacists to whine about these issues. Like how we have to read and learn about white fragility and micro-aggressions. You know — or maybe you don’t — those racist affronts you make without even realizing you’re making them.
No one’s given me a cheat sheet so that I can stay P.C. And the rules keep changing. It’s hard to keep up unless you’re paying attention, which takes too much work. I need a phone app with do’s and don’ts written in uber-simple language even my thick skull can understand.
I know people of color have a really hard life, but what about me?
There. That’s it. I’m done, thanks. Now pour me some of that there Sauvignon blanc.
August 5: National Underwear Day
Only fitting that this holiday follows White Whine Day. ’Cause after all that kvetching, I’ve got my panties in a bunch. So excuse me while I tug on the elastic and straighten them out.
Undies abound — boxers, briefs, thongs, granny panties. But nothing I’ve ever tried was bunch-proof. Sooner or later, I’ll be yanking on the edges trying to smooth them out, without being obvious.
How does one celebrate National Underwear Day, anyway?
Here are a few suggestions: Run them up a flag pole and see who salutes. Make a purse out of a clean pair by sewing the leg holes closed and attaching handles. See if anyone notices. And/or wear them on the outside of your clothes like a superhero. See if anyone notices.
August 6: National Hangover Day
This one is well-placed.
That’s because August 6 is the day the United States dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, blasting it to smithereens. So we should all feel bad. Maybe bad enough to get drunk and wind up with a doozy of a hangover. After all, it serves us right, right?
August 7: National Beach Party Day
Pretty ho-um day for us humans. After all, it’s high summer — Dog Days even. No big deal we’re at the beach, lighting up the barbie — the grill, not the doll. Please don’t set Barbie on fire. People’ve been 5150’d for less.
Enjoy your picnic, volleyball, and dip in the sea. Use plenty of sunscreen and don’t swim alone. Or under the influence. Or while hung over. Was that just yesterday? Bad timing. Who created these holidays anyway?
These caveats are for the human species.
Not for our friends the cetaceans. I’m talking whales and dolphins. Do not mention the words beach party anywhere near them. Whales can hear hundreds of miles underwater. And keep all invitations out of the ocean.
If they come out of the water to beach, it’s all over. There’s no going back. Think about it. They don’t have legs to turn themselves around. Their strong swimming fins and flukes are useless on land. So a beach party for them is like our Russian Roulette with every chamber full. And these are endangered species.
So mum’s the word. This is one occasion where species chauvinism is warranted. Enjoy! But please clean up after.
August 8: Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day.
Ah, the annual summer conundrum.
What to do with all that damn zucchini? Those plants are so prolific everyone’s overloaded. Even your neighbor. No doubt she’s trying to figure out how to sneak some onto your porch.
So try something else. Give them to the shelter dogs as a belated birthday present. The pups may or may not eat them. But those veggies might make a good chew toy.
Make wine or beer out of them. That way they can do double duty for White Wine or National Hangover Days. Or, if you’re lucky, both.
Maybe whales and dolphins like them. In that case, you can cast them into the sea. Some critter’s bound to find them. Unless the damn things float. Then you gotta problem I can’t help you with.
August 9: National Polka Day
Everybody sing, “Roll out the barrel, we’ll have a barrel of fun!” Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen, grab your partners, It’s polka time! The dance, not the dots. So let Gary get out his accordion and we can all celebrate.
If polka’s not your thing, we’re heading into National Elvis Week.
So go to the shelter and get you a Suspicious-Minded Hound Dog, And if he doesn’t Rock your Jailhouse, you can always Return him to Sender and join me down at the end of Lonely Street at the Heartbreak Hotel.
I’ll leave the light on for ya.