Stiffing Biff
Rudyard Kipling's earliest draft about his legacy
If you can keep your head from falling off your neck
As others lose theirs and blame it all on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men wanna give you heck,
But make allowance for their heads falling off, too;
If you can flirt and not be done in by flirting,
Or, being talked about, don’t deal in rumors,
Or, being nosy, don’t give way to blurting,
And yet don’t look too good, nor show off your bloomers.
If you can burp— and not make belching your hobby;
If you can fart— and not make passing gas your aim;
If you can meet with your posse in the hotel lobby
And not turn the bloody mess into a body noises game;
If you can bear to strip naked for your friends
Twisted by fate to take a nap with fools,
And wake to find the means did not justify the ends
Make sure nothing untoward happens to the family jewels;
If you can make one heap of all your sinnings
And have the Devil tell you He’s the boss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And take care you never ever forget to floss;
If you can force your heart and brain and gut
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing else but smut
Except the Will which says to them: “What fun!”;
If you can walk on water, and still your feet are dry,
Or heal the sick with just a common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can steal your rye;
If all men want to pay you, but none too, too much;
If you can fill the car with gas before you have to go
With sixty miles worth of distance left to drive—
Yours is the Prius, but the house is still in escrow,
Sorry about that, My Son, I so wanted you to thrive!
So, Biff, dear boy, this is the best I and the barrister could do — given we’d been pubbing all night with our favorite drunken poet, Seamus. We had to drag him home and tuck him into bed, but he’ll be fine. Sorry that we got so distracted from the task at hand. But you can see by the above document that if nothing else besides my excellent life wisdom, you at least will get a new set of wheels when I kick the bucket. So chip! chip! Chin up! Carry on. And remember me fondly when I’m gone! ~r.k.