The A, B, C’s of Toiletology, Pottyotomy, and Crapper Crap
An ABCDerium of you-know-what in honor of World Toilet Day which was last or next November, but who's counting?
Assume the position!
Ring around the Potty,
Guys are getting snotty,
Asses to asses,
Let’s ALL sit down!
Besides, it’s neater that way. Less to clean up.
Bathrooms originally did not have toilets. They had bathtubs. A place to get clean. You went to the water closet to pee or poop. You may have had to then go to the bathroom to wash your hands. Though maybe some early users wiped them on the clothes hanging in the water closet. Yep, they had clothes, too. See below.
Crapper. Did you know plumbed toilets were not invented by Thomas Crapper, but he did create a more refined version in the 1860s. This still leaves the mystery of who DID invent the modern toilet we all take for granted till it’s backed up or overflowing. Keep reading.
Doo-doo: a synonym for poo-poo. Notice the ASSonance — the repeating vowel sounds. It may come in handy someday.
Excrement is a more clinical-sounding synonym for poop. It helps you sound like an erudite and arrogant asshole. So have at it!
Farts are considered funny and rude when let out in public. But when you’re constipated, they may be wonderful heralds of good tidings to come.
Garderobes were Medieval royalty’s toilets. These were rooms that protruded outwards from the castle walls for waste to fall directly into moats below or down interior chutes — and into a cesspit for so-called “gong farmers” to collect.
These were the guys who came around in the dark of night to scrape the shitty walls, collect the crap, and take it out of town. Very important job from a public health vantage point, but very poorly paid.
Honey Buckets are what we called chamber pots when we lived in Japan. Without indoor plumbing, these got emptied into the gutters lining the roads. Honey bucket trucks would come by and siphon up the waste. Legend had it that it went to farmers to fertilize their fields, and was referred to as night soil.
Inodoro means toilet in Spanish, Portuguese, and Tagalog. I thought it came from indoors as in not an outhouse. But no, it comes from Latin and means in + odor. So when we brought our toilets inside, we also brought our stinkies.
John Harrington DID invent the modern toilet all the way back in the days of Queen Elizabeth I. 1596 to be exact.
In 1492, Columbus may have sailed the ocean blue,
But until 1596 he didn’t have a place to poo.
Not to worry. He was probably dead by then. Not only that, the imperialist genocidal bastard did not deserve the luxury of modern conveniences. Just sayin’.
Know that Cloacina, AKA the Purifier, was the ancient Roman Goddess of toilets and sewers. Her name comes from the word cloaca, which means sewer. It’s also the term used for the opening through which many animals excrete and give birth, or pass their eggs. A busy place.
Loo is another word for toilet. It came from the French admonishment, regradez l’eau which means watch out for the water. It’s what maids of old shouted out the window right before emptying the chamber pots into the street. It got shortened to Gardyloo!
Eventually, loo became a popular term for toilet. So when you’re walking down the street and hear Gardyloo! be forewarned. Not sure if the parting phrase toodle-oo is related to this at all. But it could be the answer to where are you going?
MuddyUm is the publication that came up with this prompt. And loves potty, fart, butt, etc. humor. Thanks, MuddyUm!
Night soil is one way to recycle human waste. As fertilizer.
Outhouses are outdoor water closets with no plumbing. Basically a board with a hole or two over a pit. Watch out for spiders, bears, and other critters.
Pee and poo are what do when we go to the toilet, hopefully. But given how creative we humans are, no doubt all kinds of other activities take place there, too. Reading being one of the tamer ones. If you have an inventive example, do tell!
Quest is what you could say I’m on as I attempt to connect every letter of the alphabet to toilets, their legends, lore, and history
Romans of old had public toilets where they gathered to socialize and gossip while they doo’ed what they came there to do. Not too surprising for an ancient culture that also had vomitoriums. Though I’d guess the gossip was not as juicy in those locations.
Shit is a synonym for poop or anything that stinks like it. Often used as an expletive or exclamation or both. Sometimes with the word oh in front of it.
Toilets not only are damn convenient, they save lives. When folks dumped their chamber pots into the streets, that attracted rats, and thus the black plague, polio, and cholera were widespread. Cholera is still a serious killer today in places that lack adequate sanitation. Like refugee camps.
I realize that’s not funny. I learned about contemporary cholera in an interactive exhibit designed by Doctors without Borders. And no, it’s not that interactive!
Underwear helps keep our outerwear free of excremental deposits, as well as our behinds warmer in winter. They are our first line of defense against accidents. And let us be grateful that the diaper industry now produces pull-ups for adults. Otherwise, we’d crap in our pants a lot more often.
Voo-doo sounds like it should be synonymous with poo-poo, but it’s not, technically. However, if someone practices it on you, you may find yourself saying, oh, shit!
Here’s a tidbit of historical lore from Mudditor Gary Chapin:
“Legend has it that, when laying the pipes for the first flush toilets of New Orleans, the Latrine Diggers Union hired a voo-doo priest to curse the excremental innovation. Because the Union was segregated, though, they hired a white voo-doo priest, which is not a thing. This guy, obviously, did not know his shit.”
Water Closet was another name for early toilets. They often were installed in closets because the ammonia fumes from urine killed fleas and moths in folks’ clothes. So instead of going ew yuck! think ah, how practical our forebears were.
Xcrement is a misspelled version of excrement. I get xtra credit for that!
Yet another synonym for poop is feces. FYI.
Zee French word for zee toilet is toilette. Isn’t that cute?
Bathrooms are such a scary place for some of us https://thistleandmoss.com/p/walking-the-gauntlet-the-transfeminine
Commonly in Australian homes, toilets and bathrooms are separate. The toilet is just a toilet. The bathroom, which is adjacent, contains the sink, bathtub, shower. En-suites that contain all in one are also common.